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Losing Friends: The collateral damage of separation

Articles· Self

15 Mar

I’m packing up my old life and I’m only taking a suitcase.

I have learned a lot in the last 12months.  Like this little gem.   Unpacking a life is like packing up a house, if it’s not worth something to you or you get no use out of it – then get rid of it.   This might sound harsh but I think it’s true.   

Breaking up a relationship always has its hard parts, and losing friends is the collateral damage of separation.

I’ve had enough of being the only one who puts in the effort.

It’s sad, hurtful and painful to realise that those you once thought of as your friends are anything but.    Can you call them friends if they don’t stay in contact?  If they don’t check you are OK?    If they don’t put in the effort, if they don’t call, if they don’t check you are doing well, if they don’t care about you and what’s going on in your world….they don’t have to be packed up in your bag.  You don’t have to take them with you.

A fair amount of people sent me messages when my separation first happened, offering kind words or just letting me know they were thinking of me.    There were also those select few calling with thinly veiled offers of support, really just hoping to get the gossip.  

However, only one of two of those people continued to check in with me afterwards….most just never spoke to me again.  That’s  how I knew who my friends really were.  The ones who actually cared.

I didn’t choose to loose my support network.

In any relationship breakdown, there will always be friends on his side and hers, there was in my world.  Luckily for me, most of his friends weren’t people I really had much in common with anyway, so that wasn’t a huge loss and there were only a handful that I actually liked, none of whom have spoken to me since,  which was upsetting, but I had to accept that loss and move on. 

My friends have mostly stayed with me, which is great.  Some have fallen off the radar along the way and although this has been hard, it’s opened my eyes to the fact that they weren’t really my friends anyway…if they were, they would have stuck by me.

The friends we had as a couple however, that’s been the most difficult to fathom.   I figured, maybe its because they got to know us as a couple, and now things are different, they have a hard time accepting or understanding that (especially as 99% of them have not been through this sort of thing).  I thought in the beginning that maybe they struggled with the whole thing, or were uneasy or embarrassed, or perhaps didn’t know what to say or how to act.    Some I know may have been conscious of not wanting to offend, perhaps worried that we may have thought badly of them,  if they offered an invitation to one of us to an event and not the other. 

This is particularly interesting to me, as I had one particular friend (whom I had thought to be a fairly close friend of mine) tell me in no uncertain terms post separation that she “wasn’t going to take sides” and was happy to ensure she spent time with both of us so no one felt left out of what always was a close friendship between both our families (adults and kids alike).   I had time booked to spend with her some months ago,  which I ended up having to change at the last minute.  She never responded to my message or call that day, and I have not heard from her in the 4 months’ since.  The funny thing is, I know my ex and the kids have spent several occasions with that family since that time.  I don’t begrudge my family of that, but I do get upset about the fact I have been ghosted and ignored by someone who, up until that point – I had considered a good friend.   Especially a friend who had previously been so vocal about not choosing a side.

The fact I have been ignored by a lot of these people is what’s cemented to me the importance of my true friends in my life.  I’ve sent too many messages that haven’t been replied too, calls that were not returned, and promises to get together for lunch or drinks never happening.  True friends don’t treat each other like this. 

The fact that I have moved on with someone new may possibly be a factor in all this too.   People don’t often see the nuances in a relationship.  They may not know why the marriage ended, or what happened over all those years to cause it’s ending.  All they see is the end result, and if they are not caring enough to try & understand, and then stick by your side as you navigate a new chapter of your life – they never will.   Judgement takes hold and they only care about how it affects them, or how they might be made to feel if they have to interact with you.

It saddens me to think of the friendships I have lost as a result of this.  Many people whose company I quite enjoyed are now almost strangers to me.  There were months where I was sad and angry & depressed about this, but, in coming through the other side, I’ve realised that  they were not really my friends after all – just people I happen to know.  Acquaintances with shared interests or ties that brought us together for a time, like sports or having kids at the same school.   If I see them in the street we may stop and chat, but don’t make plans.  Sometimes I feel like just telling them all how I feel and how it’s affected me, but the thing is, I know for a fact that they really don’t care anyway.    Why? because if I was really an important friend to them, they would have never treated me that way in the first place.

It’s been a year now since my separation, and I feel as though I have navigated an eternity during that 12months.   So many lessons, so many awakenings, so many learnings to be taken and filed away.    Some people come into our lives for a time, some leave and some stay.  You don’t need to keep the same set of people around you forever.

If my friends truly care, they will stick around.  They don’t want the gossip – they don’t care.  They want to know I am OK.  They will keep in touch, pep me up and show me they support me.   These are the friends to truly cherish.

I have a new partner now.  If my friends (or family – I don’t discriminate) have an issue with this or the time frame of how it’s all worked out, then they don’t deserve my time or attention and I won’t be saddened by the loss of theirs.

No matter what people think of me, I know I made the right decision.   I don’t need everyone to be my friend.  I have a few special ones of my own, and they are most definitely getting packed in my suitcase.

Just Be You Everyday

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thedailyauthentic

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Danni Hanson
Do you ever have that moment when you are so far t Do you ever have that moment when you are so far through something you can’t go back and you are forced to get creative? 

Yep.

That was me today. Thankfully I’m the type who has lots of random stuff in her kitchen drawers… 

#justbeyoueveryday 
 #candlemaking
Big weekend. Time to chill. #justbeyoueveryday Big weekend. Time to chill. 
#justbeyoueveryday
Did you know that you can go in what others may ju Did you know that you can go in what others may judge as the wrong way in life, and yet ultimately still get where YOU need to be? 

4 yrs ago I changed my life. It wasn’t anything magical or radical, I just made a decision. That I was going to do things DIFFERENTLY. 

1. I thought differently. What I had been doing wasn’t working, so I had to change tack.

2. I looked at things differently.  A new focus brings a LOT of clarity.

3. I acted differently. I had a new way of thinking and a new focus, so ultimately, what I did with that purpose made a big difference.

Don’t let the influences or opinions of others affect your life direction.  If you want something, you can move towards it.  You might just need to make a different decision.

Just Be You, Everyday

Danni
Sometimes you just need to remember that even thou Sometimes you just need to remember that even though things may not always work out the way you want them too, the most important thing is to stand true to your values (your personal rules) as they will guide you in decisions and never let you down. 

The second most important is to celebrate the small wins.  So here’s a list of things I’m celebrating this week with icy cold bubbly (in no particular order):

I have the power of choice. I am independent and certainly do NOT have to “settle”. 💪

I’ve made something of myself and I will continue to do that.👏

I have a fabulously supportive partner who takes time to be interested in things I like, loves me lots, cares about what’s important to me and treats me well. ❤️❤️

My kids are awesome 😍

His kids are awesome 😍

Everyone is healthy 👍

Puppies. If you have a dog. You’ll know. 🐶 

Coffee, cheese and wine (and perhaps a Tim tam or two) are always present in my life 🍷 I don’t need to strip away all the good stuff! 

Hoop earrings. I mean, it’s a fact. They are awesome 🤩

Heels. I know no single other fashion item which makes you feel more awesome the moment you put them on. 👠 

It’s my birthday. I might be getting older but I certainly don’t care🎂

So if you need a bit of a pep talk today, or a big hug, or just a bit of love, remember you are not alone xx reach out if you want a chat.
It’s true! Workshops are in the pipeline! Aft It’s true! 

Workshops are in the pipeline!

After some great feedback I’ve decided to start creating workshops which will be available via zoom. 

First up we will have understanding values, goal setting and the like, however more info will be available in the coming weeks.

Feel free to comment or DM me if you are interested or feel like sharing some topic ideas. 

Really looking forward to sharing this with you!

#justbeyoueveryday
If you asked me how I am today, I'd say I was grea If you asked me how I am today, I'd say I was great.

I am. Really! 

My life is great, but that doesn't mean that it's perfect, or nothing ever goes wrong, or no bad stuff ever stresses me out. 

Trust me that shit happens ALL. THE. TIME.

So I'm great and I'm also sad because I miss seeing people.

I'm great and I'm worried about my family and their struggles.

I'm great and I'm frustrated about work.

I'm great and I'm tired. mentally & physically.

It's not what happens TO YOU that defines you. 

It's how you can pick yourself up and keep going, even when everything around you might be falling apart.

Dumbledore said it best really... "It's our choices, that define who we really are....far more than our abilities".

So what choice do you make today? 

#justbeyoueveryday

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What do you do, that’s just for you? Me? I make What do you do, that’s just for you?

Me? I make smelly candles. 

Personally, I love smelly candles. I mean, I love REALLY, REALLY smelly candles. The kind that makes your entire house smell fabulous. 

Which is why all the smelly candles I make, are really, really smelly!! Haha. 

My fave smell I sell ( just in case you are interested, it’s fab, check the website!) is English Pear & Freesia… why? Because it’s a lovely clean, air freshening scent and it’s absolutely NOT because it reminds me of freshly washed laundry….! Ha! 

P.S I know the photo is not this scent
P.P.S if you want to buy some, just check out the link to my website in my bio.
P.P.P.S Please make sure you do something, everyday, that’s just for you. 

Just Be You, Everyday

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Right. Let’s talk supplements. I’ve always Right. Let’s talk supplements. 
 
I’ve always been open to taking vitamins and minerals my body is lacking. However, I realise it can be really difficult to figure out what you need. 
 
For me it’s been a lot of trial and error over the years and the biggest thing I’ve realised is that a multivitamin just didn’t cut it. Might be good for some, but not me.  As I’m ageing, my body is changing and it’s becoming really obvious (due to pain or other symptoms) that higher dosages of specific things are necessary.  I played around with different combinations of vitamins for ages until I found what works for me. 
 
Magnesium Chelate:  I suffer horribly from chronic pain and cramping in my muscles, restless legs and the like (remember growing pains? That’s something that never goes away for me). Only dramatically increasing the amount of magnesium I take helped this improve. 
 
Glucosamine:  Similar to the magnesium, a big dose of this has made the most improvement on my painful joints. I think this in particular, is what makes exercising bearable.
 
Vitamin B12: this is great for keeping me alert, energetic and helps alleviate the 3pm slump.
 
Hormone Harmony by @thehappymammoth 
I had never even heard of this until a few months ago. I was on the lookout for a new hormone supplement, as I had tried a few and they didn’t do much.  I did think these people were a bit full of it with the promises they spouted, but after lots of research I decided to give it a go.  Well shit! It’s been fabulous. I sleep better, wake better, don’t get the old lady hot flashes so much, my mood has dramatically improved, I’m not nearly so bloated and I generally just feel overall, a million times better.  Even considering the price (they are NOT cheap) they work a treat, so, will I keep paying this over-inflated cost to buy this product? Damn straight I will!
 
No 2 people are the same. Our bodies are different, our needs are different and what works for us is different.  Don’t be afraid to see what works for you. Do your research and always check with your doctor. 

Just always remember to take care of you. That’s what #selfcare is all about.
 
Just Be You, Everyday
It's no secret I'm an organised person. Over the It's no secret I'm an organised person. 

Over the years I have tried many different platforms, and I still use a good mix of paper goal planners, wall mounted calendars and a family planner on the fridge that shows me who's where and what's for dinner.

However, what I really love is this app.  It's called Evernote. It's been around awhile, and it's really really great.

It's my whole life in one app and without it I would be lost!

Here's what it does:

@evernote is…

It's a calendar (and it syncs with my email calendars);

You can create all sorts of different notebooks for all different things (I've got notebooks for the kids, for business, for work, for study, for hobbies, for home renovations, for Christmas, you name it);

You can link to excel spreadsheets for quick links to budgets and planners;

You can email items into the app and save them (like receipts, recipes, info from the web or photos or documents);

And much, MUCH more.

However. My absolute fave thing about it is the task list. 

In any notebook, any page, anywhere, you can create a task.  Name it, give it a due date, make it recurring.

So, I just update all my notebooks in the course of my week, and every day, I can just click into the "tasks" list and see a list (which you can sort, I like doing this by Due Date) and click off easily when its done.

It's fantastic!! Honestly, if I could create something this good, I would!

If you need an all in one organiser/diary/journal/digital file cabinet/to do list, to carry around with you - give it a go.

Just Be You, Everyday

#thedailyauthentic  #justbeyoueveryday #beauthentic #mumcoach #selflovecoach #mindfulnesscoach #mentalhealthmatters#mentalhealthaustralia #alignmentcoach #lifecoaching #selfcare #selfhelp #mindfulness #mindset #personaldevelopment #personalgrowth #coachingforwomen #organization #planner #dowhatyoulove 
#persueyourpassion #womenshealth #womenswellnesscoach #wellbeing #wellbeingcoaching
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